A letter to me,

Dear Emily (of 5 years ago),

I know you’re miserable, girl. I know you can’t believe this is how your life has turned out. You are barely surviving and you desperately want out.

You had dreams once upon a time. You imagined a prince and life that looks nothing like what you have. You are drowning in every sense of the word and you can feel the toxicity rotting inside your body, sometimes you swear it’s killing you.

You don’t recognize yourself when you look in the mirror. You try to avoid the mirror at all costs actually. You love your kids more than life itself, but you’re tired. You pour from an empty cup everyday and you fill every second desperately trying to create something better that feels completely unattainable. You are numb. You don’t cry, you don’t laugh, you just barely exist.

But you will keep going. You can’t see it yet, but I can. You’re almost there. You’ve been crafting a plan to get yourself out. You keep your head down and you carefully move from one step to the next, hyper focused – like you have blinders on. If you knew all the steps it would take to get you out, you would have been overwhelmed so you just start with the first one.

It will be worth it. You lean on your village who never gave up on you. You can’t see your light anymore but you know deep down it’s still there somewhere. You’re going to stop waiting for someone else to save you and you’re going to save yourself. You never needed anyone else to save you.

You’re going to leave, even though you’re terrified. You don’t know how you’ll do it financially and you don’t know how the kids will manage. But you do it anyway. I can tell you, my love, you are going to figure it all out.

There will be times when you max out every single credit card and you won’t know quite what to do next. But you always figure it out. You will build a solid thriving business, two actually. The kids will see what their mom is capable of, they have been watching you all along. They will grow up knowing that you don’t stay in an unhappy place because you’re scared. They will know they deserve to be happy, because you showed them that you deserve to be happy.

Life isn’t over at 39 when you walk away, in fact a new better one has been waiting this whole time for you to be brave. A life where you feel everything. You cry, you laugh, you heal, you’re present and you are everything you ever wanted to be. You will love yourself and you will find your light again and want to share it with others. I couldn’t be prouder of you. You didn’t give up. We might not have it all yet, but we are so close and you made it all happen.