No one ever says it… the people close to me know, but I often wonder if others are thinking… what does this girl have to heal? Nothing in her life could have been that hard.
What am I healing?! I’m literally battling my own thoughts. Here’s an example… let’s say I start to like a guy. Everything is going well. I like him. He likes me. Easy breezy. I feel confident and good. THEN. Out of what feels like nowhere there is a shift. My brain starts trying to protect me. It prepares me for them to leave. It tells me that I’m not good enough. It tells me that I won’t get picked. Why would someone pick me? I’m not worthy of having a relationship that is one for the books. I’m not worthy of having a fairytale romance.
My mind tells me, I’ll always be the girl they come to for a good time. The one that fills some temporary void on their way to find the one who is better than me. I’m a fun stop along the way and then they will throw me away having never given me a chance.
Pardon my language but, FUCK. Why do I do this. None of it is true. I am worthy, I know I am. I am actively doing the work! All.the.time. I know how incredibly lucky someone would be to have me. So, why do I self sabotage? Why do I talk myself into the worst case scenarios?
Have I been disappointed? Yes. Does it go back to me being a child and not feeling safe? Does it go back to me always waiting for the bottom to drop out between my parents? And then it always dropping? I never saw what love was supposed to look like, I know that now. I even thought I healed it last year. Most people don’t know because I didn’t put it on social media, but I did have a healthy relationship. I had it once, after my divorce, for almost a year, I had a great boyfriend. He showed me what it was like to be healthy. I can do it. I am good at it. We broke up, and while I know it was the right thing for both of us, it doesn’t take away from how healthy it was, even the breakup felt healthy. I saw what I was worthy of, so why do the thoughts come back now? Why do I not feel good enough still? Why do I feel like I won’t be picked?
It’s a struggle… when I start to hear those thoughts I notice now. That’s huge in healing, noticing what you’re doing and trying to sit with it and confront it – or so they say! I notice and I try to actively re-wire. I do affirmations… I sound like a crazy person in my head 😅 … things like… I am a magnet and magents attract, I don’t chase I attract, I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am a smokeshow 😂. I remind myself that I don’t feel any type of way about the other person, I just like the way I feel when I’m with that person. It’s not about them. It’s never about them. It’s always about me.
This is what I’m currently healing. I am so close. I feel like I’m so close to the other side, maybe that’s why it feels so heavy lately. Like right before the breakthrough I have to feel it full force.
Anyway, I don’t know if this was followable but maybe someone else is doing this work, and maybe someone else thinks… if Emily feels like this it’s ok that feel like this too. 🤦🏻♀️ I’m not sure. Thank you for reading my innermost secrets 😂
a diamond in the rough 